There are many causes of addiction. Stress and anxiety, are key in the development on any addiction. Self medication for negative emotions and feelings are integral to the abuse of drugs and alcohol. As our society becomes more and more disconnected, and filled with more and more stress, drugs and alcohol become a larger and larger concern.

There is also another issue. As a country and society we are losing our ability to wait for anything. We have become addicted to immediate gratification. We all expect to be rich by 30 and retired by 40. We wait to lose 20 pounds in a week, and solve all our problems by listening to a taped program with 10 easy lessons. We have lost the ability to look at a time line for anything beyond the next quarterly results. This is having a large impact on drug and alcohol addiction and how it is treated.

Delaying gratification is a skill that can and needs to be learned. There are some things that simply cannot be solved instantly, even if you are Donald Trump. If you do not develop this skill, you will increase your stress level every day in most of the situations you come across. Road rage is mostly a problem of waiting your turn in traffic. Air rage is a similar event. Our present style of life may be described as a series of “hurry up and wait” episodes.

This, as so many of the issues I discuss may be dealt with by coming up with a better question. You have to learn to refocus and distract yourself. “What is the best use of my time while I waiting?” What else can I do at this moment? What one thing can I do right now, that can help someone else in this situation? Waiting is only boring and stress inducing if you are doing nothing. Find something to do while you “wait”.

In drug rehab, you have to delay gratification. You cannot hug your spouse or kids while you are there. You cannot go out for a movie or a pizza. While you solidify the change you have made in your life you have to wait for your “sober muscles” to grow strong. You can make this stressful and boring, or you can make it fun and interesting. The difference is in the questions you ask yourself, and the areas you focus your actions.

There will likely never be enough free drug rehab to go around. This is also true for low cost and very affordable drug rehab. There are some very likely reasons for this. One is, without massive government financing, there will just not be enough places in free drug rehabs. Likely with a public system the quality will be diluted and effectiveness will be decreased. These are interesting questions but the fact remains, for today and the foreseeable future, there is just not enough free or affordable drug rehab.

This leaves the only real option for some families is to creatively finance a stay in drug rehab. Start with the cheapest source of credit you can find, and spread the load as a family. At a meeting of everyone who is willing to help, try to divide the amount up, and let people take care of their commitment. Decide on a date to have it in place by. Start with your lowest interest rate source. Lines of credit or a home equity loan is the best bet. Second in credit cards and last is finance companies.

Make sure you come to an agreement in writing. Put down if you expect the client going to rehab to make any repayment, and what are the terms. If you expect them to pay back ½ of the money write it down. Also write down clearly, under no circumstances is the client to leave the program early, and if they do what the consequences with the family will be.

Clearly state what you expect the client to be responsible for after rehab. Even though it is a crisis, that does not mean you are not allowed to write things down and sign them. The “just get them in rehab” plan usually leaves a lot of confusion and misunderstandings later. It is O.K. to borrow money for rehab. It is probably poor judgement to do it with assumptions that we can work it out later, when everything is hopefully back to normal.

If you have an addicted family member, in your family, you are not responsible for their drug and alcohol use. You are not required to save them. If you choose you do not even have to help them. With that said, there are things you can do, if you choose, that can decrease, their drug usage, as well in increase it, just in how you respond and behave with them. It is not only someone with an addiction that can have distorted thought patterns.

I was talking to a parent recently. They were discussing their adult child and the possibility of treatment in a drug rehab center. I understand having an addicted kid is difficult, stressful and tough. I also think our judgements and how we talk can add to the stress, or decrease it. The description of the client was there were “always nasty, even as a child”, and they “were always a problem”. They were “always defiant” and “showed no respect for their parents”.

I have no way of knowing the truth of these statements. I do know probably, they are exaggerated a little bit. The problem is they are blanket, black or white type of judgements. No child was always “a problem”. Did they dismantle and destroy their crib as a newborn? Did they not laugh and smile as a baby? Did they never make a goofy and ugly card at school and come running home with it on Mother’s day?

They may have been lots and lots of problems, but nothing is EVER 100% on way. Blanket judgements will block communication and INCREASE stress. Increasing stress will lead to increased drug use. You always have a choice on how to discuss things. How about, “90% of what, you do now, is really destroying our relationship and damaging your future. The other 10% of you is so good I will fight for you to get through this addiction, no matter what it takes!” It clearly states how you feel. It leaves open the door for change as well as being more truthful. The parent I was talking to would do anything to save their kid, no matter what.

Watch all or none statements in dealing with addiction. They just lock people in corners and increase stress. Solutions are seldom found in blanket judgements

Last night I had another call from someone at the end of their rope. They were tired of drug addiction and abuse. They had called a lot of centers. No one had been able to help them. I suggested the site www.choosehelp.com. It has an e-book I have recommended many, many times. It is only 20 bucks. It has hundreds and hundreds of listings of free and almost free drug and alcohol rehab centers. The problem is this person didn’t even have the 20 bucks. When I suggested the Salvation Army, they hung up.

As you may have noticed, I have created a category in our blog, called free drug rehab. If you send me anything that is free to help people, I will post it in there. There is really not a site or source that people can go and look to see all the free stuff in addiction that is available. If you know of these sites, please tell me and I will post them. We get several calls each and every day with a request for free drug rehab. Please help us fill those requests.

Understanding an addicted family member can be very difficult. Often the family cannot figure out what happened. Why would they use these destructive drugs in the first place? They can tell the clients get little or no enjoyment from their present drug usage, they just have to do it. It was not like that in the beginning. When clients first used a drug they had different feelings and different results. If there were no positive benefits of some sort at the start, they would not have kept going.

At first they received pleasure and share in the excitement of having other people around when they used. The objective was to connect and have fun with other people. They also used the drug to improve how they felt. They thought the drug made them feel happier, sexier, and more relaxed.

The drug also changed their perceptions and physical sensations in the world. Many felt it changed and improved their ability to act in certain situations. Social activities, dancing, and even better sex have been attributed to drug use. Many times drug usage was just because of plain old fashioned boredom.

It was these positive attributes of drug and alcohol usage that initially lead to the addiction. The client well short sighted in their goals, was not stupid or dumb. These benefits actually did exist and were fun for a while. The side effects and the addictive cycle, of the drug use, came in through the back door. They then thought with either a higher dose, or a different drug they could regain the original positive benefits of drug use. This leads to the drug addiction.

At this point drug use switches from a fun experience to a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, anger, pain and frustration in their life. This is the point we see the client in drug rehab. It may be difficult to look back that far to see how they started using. It is important because as a client gets better in a drug rehab center, they also have to find ways to get those original positive benefits of drug usage, without using drugs.

Most of the clients, who come to a drug rehab center, have a well developed set of communication skills. They are very personable, and have the ability to be quite charming. When you talk to most of them at depth a little bit, it does become rather apparent something is missing. While they have the skill to quickly form a shallow bond, they have a lot of difficulty making a deeper connection.

It may have something to do with most of the communicating in the past couple of years has involved a least a degree of manipulation. They are skilled at hiding the truth. They are skilled at getting people to provide and do things, the individual may not want to do. These skills are useful if you are trying to acquire drugs or justify your own behaviour. They are not useful at building deep trusting friendships.

Part of it comes from the “fear of really knowing me” type of thinking. If they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me. There are 2 main distortions in the above statement. Number one is you are mind reading and fortune telling. You do not know how someone is going to react. Maybe they have the same fear. Maybe your opening up will allow them to open up. The other distortion in the above statement is negative mental focus. All you are focusing on is your less positive traits. Everyone has both good and bad traits. You are assuming you will only “expose” your bad stuff.

Real communication involves asking questions to understand the other person’s fears and dream, not yours. If you are worried about your acceptance, you are not listening to what someone else is saying. No real communication takes place if you are in the, how does this affect me, type of mind. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Ask more questions based on their answers. See if you can have a whole conversation WITHOUT bringing up your history or opinion. Stop worrying about how you look. Start talking about them. Drug rehab is a perfect place to start. Lots of people you do not know. Lots of people, with time on their hands, a captive group for you to practice on. Make some new real friend in rehab today.

Everybody dealing with an addiction or an addicted family member wants “the answer”. Just tell me what to do. Unfortunately this type of thinking, when dealing with drug rehab usually does not work. It is easier to explain if I use a sports analogy. If you look at the great and winning football and baseball teams, the both have something in common. They control the game. Sometimes they are almost boring.

There have been many amazing homeruns and “hail mary” passes over the years. The bottom of the ninth, or fourth and ten with one minute left in the game sort of thing. They are really fun to watch and we all talk about them for days. The important question is, “How are most games won?” Most runs are scored from a single, that was bunted over to second. Someone else hit an opposite field single and brought the man home. Most touchdowns are from controlling the ball over time. Taking 4 yards runs. Taking 6 yard passes. Most games are won by less dramatic, but effective plays.

Attending a drug rehab program is very similar to this. Admitting you have an addiction is a clear and defining event. It is not however a touchdown. You have a lot of small plays to complete before you get to spike the ball. Getting up early, EVERY MORNING, even when you really do not feel like it. Doing all the exercises, in the drug rehab program, even the yoga. Looking for a new place to live, not knowing anyone in the area. Going back to school, to learn what you really want to be. Going to the gym every day, to rebuild your health.

Drug rehab is a game that can be won. It is not something that is unattainable for any one. It is VERY SELDOM won with one swing of the bat. It is usually won in extra innings, by a single driving in the winning run.

Many times clients in a drug rehab center make problems tougher than they are. Actually we are all probably guilty of this. It involves how we phrase and look at both problems and their solutions. When we see problems as black and white, or all or nothing we create barriers and hurdles which make things difficult.

Here is what I mean. A lot of clients that arrive in a drug rehab center have some issues or problems with the relationships in their family. A typical statement may be something like this. “Every time I talk with my dad, we have a fight. It is hopeless, we just can’t communicate!” If we look at this statement, (which all of us have said something similar to in our lives) it has two all or nothing qualifiers in it. The first is “every time” and the second is “hopeless”.

The first way to help solve a problem is to clearly state what reality is. What is the real percentage of times you talk to your father that ends in a fight? Even in the most damaged relationship it may be 80 or 90%. You could even argue 95%, but it is never 100%. To find solutions, many times it is useful to think of a gradient, instead of perfection. A question to get you on this road might be, “What thinks could you try or learn that would take the times you have a disagreement with your father from 90% to 80%?” Anyone can think of some ideas for this. When you get to 80%, what can you do to get to 70%. This is a simple technique to get moving in a situation that you may seem like you are stuck.

The second comment of “hopeless” is another that can be dealt with in this fashion. Even if you are extremely unlikely to be successful in a situation you could say, “I have about a 2% chance of success with this.” By stating it this way you at least are acknowledging there is a remote chance at a solution. Plus then you allow yourself to ask the question, “want could I try or do that would increase my odds of success to 10%”?

In addiction many clients are often locked into patterns that do not serve them and keep them stuck. Many times it can be changed by simply asking questions in a different way. Grey can be the color that leads you out of the dark!

I have been talking a lot about structure as a key to relapse prevention. Sometimes the word “structure” confuses people. Another way to think of it is in the world of business. There it is referred to as systems. It is the systems McDonald’s has which allow it to make identical Big Macs anywhere it wants in the world. They are able to take people for different cultures and languages and education, and still get the exact same tasting product, anywhere.

Look at the armed forces. They can take kids who come from all divergent backgrounds and skill levels and in 12 weeks turn them into a cohesive unit which reacts with unity and precision. How are these organizations able to modify behaviour of so many people in such short periods so consistently over and over again?

It is their systems that allow this to happen. The system becomes the decision source for the new “recruit”. They do not get to choose how long to cook a hamburger. A buzzer rings and tells them it is done. In the army basic training you do not get to choose when to eat, sleep, what to wear, your haircut, or even when to speak.

By taking care of so many of the choices for someone in advance, they can focus entirely on the skills the organization wants them to learn the most. It frees all of the mental power to the critical task at hand. This is what we are talking about in drug rehab when we are asking clients to build structure in their lives. By putting some systems in your life, you will be able to more carefully focus on the result you really want for your life. You will be far more able to cope with the unexpected stresses and communication problems that arise. You will have more fun and connection with people because you put in place a system that will make you do it.

All drug rehab centers have systems. Some call them rules, but in reality they are simply systems. The systems free your mind to focus on change and skill development. The systems force you to interact with other clients. The systems will change your sleep pattern to a healthy one. Look for systems you can put in your life after drug rehab.

I had another interesting and challenging conversation last night. I am really very lucky to do what I do. Never the same thing, and boy it is never, ever boring. I was discussing the possibility of drug rehab with someone last night. They thought rehab might be a fairly good option for them. Drugs had been in theri life for a long time, and their life seemed to be stuck in somewhat of a rut lately. They hadn’t worked in quite some time.

The question arose, that would it not be a better idea to invest the money for drug rehab into starting a business for them, so they could actually support themselves. If they had a business and were accomplishing some things in life, they would not need drugs in their life and could move past addiction. There is good logic in this path and would it not make sense to build something rather than just go to drug rehab?

The real answer would lie in the actual reasons on a day to day basis, on why someone is using drugs. If the drug usage was truly do to boredom, then activity would seem to be the cure. The problem is, just like most things in life, not that simple. Even if that were the only reason, it still might be a better idea to go to rehab first.

One is that with long term drug use, the body and the brain has changed. The will be some depression and side effects while a person is stopping use. Being depressed and hyper-sensitive to the world is not the best time and frame of mind to start a business. The other is that it is rare, that drug use is do to a single cause. Most time it is because of multiple areas. Stress, boredom, anxiety, anger, social pressure and a few others are really common. Starting a business is always stressful and filled with some moments of doubt and uncertainty. Stress could lead to increased drug use, not a great idea while building a business.
Building a business is a tough demanding time. It is also a blast. Building a business while on drugs, while totally possible, seems to be really pushing the odds. Four out of five new businesses fail in the first five years.

I guess the final words I would like to end with are, if it were possible to quit without going to rehab, after decades of drug use, why have they not quit? I think building a business is a wonderful idea. I still think drug rehab and a business are in the realm of possibility. The only real shot at success is to do one, before the other.