Sometimes things just get stuck.  Arguments get repeated over and over.  Time is wasted justifying our actions in the past.  Relationships once they are damaged can take a very long time to heal.  There is one thing; however that may speed up this process.  It involves one person simply taking the high road.  Dr. Phil appropriately calls it being a “Hero”.  It truly is a powerful and giving act.

Simply deciding the other person and the relationship is of greater value than the past.  Forgive everything, judge nothing, and be love.  If you want to change a relationship that is stuck and filled with anger, try these three things for one month.  If you are in rehab for 90 days why not try it for the whole 90.  Start with forgiving everything.  Just forgive it all.  Forgive the other person and forgive yourself.

Then judge nothing.  Make no assumptions, stop looking for errors or proof you were and are right.  Simply be grateful for the other person.  Ask and expect nothing.  Then what ever you think love is, let it show.  Give it with everything you have.  Give with no judgment or expectation.  Giving totally without expectation is a risky move some would say.  Kind of sounds like something a hero would do.  Want to really make a difference while you are in drug rehab?  Be a hero in a relationship that is damaged in your life.

Everybody wants to be liked and appreciated. I think we all have a need to feel wanted. Unfortunately this need or craving does not serve anyone well who is working in the drug and alcohol rehab field. Addiction is a condition of doing exactly what somebody wants in the moment regardless of the consequences. It is also a condition where the truth is murky and hidden.

Helping people out of this space requires the discipline to do what is needed, not what is wanted. If a person could have changed without the boundaries and rules of a drug rehab center, they would have. They would not be there in the rehab at that moment. Many times rehab is about shutting down the choices in the moment, and moving an individual to think about the longer term. What they ultimately want in their life.

Running a drug rehab center is a lot of things. It is not a popularity contest. The people we have running our center, are confident and clear about their job. Many times they have to make difficult and unpopular decisions. They always choose the route of client safety. I am very thankful they are working with us, and they make a difference in many, many lives.

There are solutions to every problem. We may not like the solution, but they are there. Drug rehab will require us to come up with these solutions. We all have an idea of how we would like things to work out. We want it all. In drug rehab most people would like a short treatment period of 1 month or less. They want private counselling one to one every day. They would like private rooms. No waiting lists. They want lots of varied activities and facilities, on a large beautiful piece of land. For this wish list, they would like somebody else to pay for it.

I would like this scenario as well. Dealing with finances is always difficult. Having someone on the phone asking for free drug rehab is always sad. Hearing the desperation in their voice is not the high point in anyone’s day. So we need more creative solutions. Sometimes we may have to all lower our expectations a little bit. Things, like counselling, maybe we can get by in groups of 2 or 3 for focused counselling, but not really individual counselling. More people sharing rooms is another obvious choice.

Liability is another area. Informed consent with an acceptance of self liability. Most programs could charge less if they were sure they could not be sued. Obviously if you are spending a significant sum to go to a rehab this would be silly. If you are attending a place that is desperately doing everything possible to keep the cost minimal, this makes sense.

The there is the most obvious cost effective choice. Teach our kids how to cope with stress, anxiety, fear and anger in school. Teach life skills in school. Teach happiness in school. A lot of drug use is about self medication for these issues. School are way cheaper to run than drug rehab centers.

Flying back last night I met a wonderful man on the airplane.  He was a personal corporate coach.  He has been helping people learn better communiation skills and getting them to change for over 20 years.  Needlees to say we had a couple of things in common.  One question I asked him was, what is the number one thing that stops people from changing.  In a split second he said FEAR!  Fear was the number one issue he has to deal with.  The number two was the concept of not knowing how are where to start.

CEO's of corporations, have exactly the same difficualties when aproaching change as clients in drug rehab.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of if it will work.  Fear of losing face.  Fear of discomfort.  One of these will usually be present in some degree when facing something new.  It often is what keeps people addicted or in an uncomfortable place for far longer than neccesary.  If you look at the second reason, well it is now wonder people do not like to change.  Does it make any sense to do something you are afraid of and are not really sure where or how to start?  Kind of like a one, two punch, to your motivation. 

This lead us both to the concept of mentors.  Having someone you trust, who has been down a similar road before.  Mentors can help provide the trust in you plans to move past the fears.  Mentors will ask the quality questions needed to put fears aside.  When you can confidently answer the questions put to you by your mentor, you know that you are strong enough to move past the obsticles in front of you.  Modeling and mentoring are two highly successful concepts that are far too underutilized in society today.

Text messaging is certainly all the rage with teenagers today. It is a form a communication with its own language. It also requires a level of dexterity to chat with any speed but a snail’s pace for me. I was actually doing some texting last night. It was the read a message, send a message thing, but each message was being sent a couple of hours apart. Somehow the person I was texting and I got out of sync with each other. I would send a message, and then receive one 10 or 15 minutes later. The problem was the text I got in return was not in response to my last message, but the one before it.

Needless to say I got quite confused. At one point I even got a little offended at one response. Being a slow learner, it took me a little while to catch on. Once I realized we were having two different conversations, I got back in sync, and everything made sense.

I started to think about this and how often this happens in our own life without texting. How many times are we having a conversation “in our head” while at the same time trying to converse with the real person. I see it in our drug rehab center all the time. I see clients and staff talking with themselves and each other, but sometimes not connecting. It is easy to get confused and sometimes even offended if you are not carefully listening to the other person. You have to turn off the conversation in your head. The only words in your head while someone is talking to you should be their words. Actually hear what they are saying in real time. Slow down and enjoy it. It is so much better to have one productive conversation, then 2 or 3 botched ones.

There are always choices in life. Nobody is ever a label. When dealing with an addicted family member and the issue of drug rehab programs there are many steps along the way. Several people will be involved all discussing issues and concerns. Stress and worry are present every step along the way. I often here from family members, overwhelmed by the diversity and scope of choice available to them when seeking treatment.

There are a couple simple steps anyone can take to may this process a little easier. The first step is to write it down. Take notes when talking to the individual drug rehab centers. You may think it is all on their website, but when you are making a decision it will be very nice if you can lay your own notes out in front of you. The other important aspect of note taking is you will not confuse in your own mind the pluses and minuses of each program. When you talk to a number of individuals, it is easy to confuse what place has which benefit.

Write down all the discussions you have with other family members and the potential client. Again it is very easy to get confused about which person, is doing each of the steps, involved in the drug rehab process. Ultimately nominate one person to do all the communication with the rehab, and have that person be sure to take good notes.

The last step is to try as much as humanely possible to take the high road. If someone in your family snaps or is short with you along this process, know they are doing the best they can. There is no, going to rehab 101, they can take before attempting this. Now is not the time to point out some one’s lack of tact, or communication skills. If someone makes a mistake, forgive them. The objective is to get a family member, the help they need for their addiction, by getting them into an effective drug rehab center. Stressing out and having a heart attack along the way will help no one.

Maybe to deal with the issue of getting enough free drug rehab programs could be dealt with by a change of model, and by earlier interception of the problem. Is there a way to effectively treat addiction while the person is still in their home? Where does the concept of "Rock Bottom" come from? There is no mention of rock bottom is any of the twelve steps. No physician would ever say, we cannot treat that man for heart disease. We have to wait until he is 200 pound overweight, and he has to have at least 3 heart attacks. He is only 150 pounds overweight. He has only had 2 heart attacks.

There has to be some way to deal with and intercept addiction earlier. Just because we have not found a cost effective way to stop addiction at a very early stage does not mean it is not there. We have many effective self help programs for at home. There must be a way to combine the power of the internet and workbooks to effective find affordable solutions to all the different types of addiction. This is going to be especially true with addiction to pornography on the internet. This will be a problem where people are really going to isolate and be filled with shame and embarrassment. The constant flow of e-mail we get seeking free drug rehab will not go away. The government does not have the money. We have to get creative to solve this.

There are many causes of addiction. Stress and anxiety, are key in the development on any addiction. Self medication for negative emotions and feelings are integral to the abuse of drugs and alcohol. As our society becomes more and more disconnected, and filled with more and more stress, drugs and alcohol become a larger and larger concern.

There is also another issue. As a country and society we are losing our ability to wait for anything. We have become addicted to immediate gratification. We all expect to be rich by 30 and retired by 40. We wait to lose 20 pounds in a week, and solve all our problems by listening to a taped program with 10 easy lessons. We have lost the ability to look at a time line for anything beyond the next quarterly results. This is having a large impact on drug and alcohol addiction and how it is treated.

Delaying gratification is a skill that can and needs to be learned. There are some things that simply cannot be solved instantly, even if you are Donald Trump. If you do not develop this skill, you will increase your stress level every day in most of the situations you come across. Road rage is mostly a problem of waiting your turn in traffic. Air rage is a similar event. Our present style of life may be described as a series of “hurry up and wait” episodes.

This, as so many of the issues I discuss may be dealt with by coming up with a better question. You have to learn to refocus and distract yourself. “What is the best use of my time while I waiting?” What else can I do at this moment? What one thing can I do right now, that can help someone else in this situation? Waiting is only boring and stress inducing if you are doing nothing. Find something to do while you “wait”.

In drug rehab, you have to delay gratification. You cannot hug your spouse or kids while you are there. You cannot go out for a movie or a pizza. While you solidify the change you have made in your life you have to wait for your “sober muscles” to grow strong. You can make this stressful and boring, or you can make it fun and interesting. The difference is in the questions you ask yourself, and the areas you focus your actions.

There will likely never be enough free drug rehab to go around. This is also true for low cost and very affordable drug rehab. There are some very likely reasons for this. One is, without massive government financing, there will just not be enough places in free drug rehabs. Likely with a public system the quality will be diluted and effectiveness will be decreased. These are interesting questions but the fact remains, for today and the foreseeable future, there is just not enough free or affordable drug rehab.

This leaves the only real option for some families is to creatively finance a stay in drug rehab. Start with the cheapest source of credit you can find, and spread the load as a family. At a meeting of everyone who is willing to help, try to divide the amount up, and let people take care of their commitment. Decide on a date to have it in place by. Start with your lowest interest rate source. Lines of credit or a home equity loan is the best bet. Second in credit cards and last is finance companies.

Make sure you come to an agreement in writing. Put down if you expect the client going to rehab to make any repayment, and what are the terms. If you expect them to pay back ½ of the money write it down. Also write down clearly, under no circumstances is the client to leave the program early, and if they do what the consequences with the family will be.

Clearly state what you expect the client to be responsible for after rehab. Even though it is a crisis, that does not mean you are not allowed to write things down and sign them. The “just get them in rehab” plan usually leaves a lot of confusion and misunderstandings later. It is O.K. to borrow money for rehab. It is probably poor judgement to do it with assumptions that we can work it out later, when everything is hopefully back to normal.

Understanding an addicted family member can be very difficult. Often the family cannot figure out what happened. Why would they use these destructive drugs in the first place? They can tell the clients get little or no enjoyment from their present drug usage, they just have to do it. It was not like that in the beginning. When clients first used a drug they had different feelings and different results. If there were no positive benefits of some sort at the start, they would not have kept going.

At first they received pleasure and share in the excitement of having other people around when they used. The objective was to connect and have fun with other people. They also used the drug to improve how they felt. They thought the drug made them feel happier, sexier, and more relaxed.

The drug also changed their perceptions and physical sensations in the world. Many felt it changed and improved their ability to act in certain situations. Social activities, dancing, and even better sex have been attributed to drug use. Many times drug usage was just because of plain old fashioned boredom.

It was these positive attributes of drug and alcohol usage that initially lead to the addiction. The client well short sighted in their goals, was not stupid or dumb. These benefits actually did exist and were fun for a while. The side effects and the addictive cycle, of the drug use, came in through the back door. They then thought with either a higher dose, or a different drug they could regain the original positive benefits of drug use. This leads to the drug addiction.

At this point drug use switches from a fun experience to a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, anger, pain and frustration in their life. This is the point we see the client in drug rehab. It may be difficult to look back that far to see how they started using. It is important because as a client gets better in a drug rehab center, they also have to find ways to get those original positive benefits of drug usage, without using drugs.